Nuclear Lesson

CHARACTERS

Major

Bert - a sock-puppet. 

 

SETTING

 

A classroom. 

 

 

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Major:           Hello, class. I'm Major Reaper, and welcome to the final lesson of classroom safety: How to hide from the bomb. You will have       

                      already learnt the basics of classroom safety in our previous lessons: no running, no talking unless spoken to, how to spot if your                               teacher is a communist spy. But this is by far the greatest. So much is the importance of this lesson, that I have brought along a trusty                         helper to help me. Say hello, Bert.

 

Bert:               Hello Bert.

                       

                      THEY LOOK AT EACHOTHER.

 

Bert:               Do you know what I did at the weekend?

 

Major:           Hmm. I don't know, Bert. What did you do at the weekend?

 

Bert:               I went fission.

                       

                      LAUGHTER.

 

Bert:               How are you today, Major?

 

Major:           Why, I’m positively atomic today, Bert. And do you know why?

 

Bert:               Why?

 

Major:           Because I’m about to give the class a very important, top-secret mission. Now, don't you just love Bert's British accent? You can trust                         him, yeah? And listen to him? Bert, can you please stress to the class just how important this final lesson is?

 

Bert:               I certainly can. Just think of the most important thing you can imagine. Then, times it by a quazillion.

 

Major:           Wow! That's very important, Bert. Did you hear that class? This is a very important matter. If our great nation and its allies are to                               strive victorious against the enemy – to make sure that the free world survives – then you must listen carefully to what I am about to                         say. Very carefully. You do love your country now, don't you? (PAUSE) Now, I may look younger than your previous teacher, but that                       is for one great reason. Me and you young 'uns, we're the future. And don't worry, I'm still experienced enough to tell this important                           matter. Just look at all my medals. I got this one for tying my own shoelaces. This one for cooking a tee-rrific gourmet breakfast. And                       this one for putting down a Communist spy. Now you all know that that is the important matter of why you are watching this, so it's                           best that now we're introduced, that I begin... In the event that the nefarious enemy does launch an unprovoked attack on our great                             nation, then you must be ready to know the paramount rules of survival. Rest assured that your country will have done you proud in                           wiping their scum from the face of the Earth, so that by the time the new generations rise up there will be a free world, with no                                   tyranny to block its path...

 

Bert:               We’re all in this together.

 

Major:           We sure are, Bert. As you’ve so dutifully done with your mamas and your papas, if you spot anyone out of line, then you report them                         to the HUAC, and they’ll be sent to one of our fine relocation centres in Guantanamo.

                     

                     Now, ‘How to hide from the bomb.’ There are three easy steps: Listen, Hide, Obey. Did you get that? Listen, Hide, Obey. Number                             one. Always listen to your teacher and whatever orders they give you. They are trained for this and will play a huge part in securing                          the future generation of pure democrats. Nevertheless, it is also greatly important that you listen to the siren.

 

Bert:               The siren sounds like this...

      

                      SIREN.

 

Major:           If you hear this noise…

                       

                      SIREN.

 

Major:           Then it means that some snotty-nosed enemy has smacked a big red button, and that you are moments away from becoming nuclear                           toast. In order to avoid becoming nuclear toast you’ll need to follow step two: Hide. Before we move on, please pause the tape so                               your teacher can answer any questions...

 

Bert:               Number two: Hide.

 

Major:           This is the next step in showing that you love your country. After hearing the siren in step one, you should run to your school's bunker                       and hide. Follow your teacher for this. They will know where it is. A bunker looks very much like a rickety tin shack. But don't worry,                       your rickety metal is lead. Every school has one, and it is easy to find if lost – just follow the serpent of delirious people. Once inside                       the bunker you must stay very quiet and attach the gas masks provided. Here's one that I made earlier.

                 

                      BERT IS GAS-MASK (PUT IN FRONT OF MOUTH)

 

Bert:               (DARTH VADER NOISES) Are you my mummy?

 

Major:           Looks like someone’s having fun.

 

Bert:               Stay still and quiet. It's one big game of hide and seek.

 

Major:           Except if you're found or move through those doors you’ll be disintegrated into a pile of ash. So, it's best not to move. Anyway, in the                       bunker there will be toys, games, books, food, machine guns, darkness… anything a healthy child will need in order to keep our great                       nation alive. Now that you’re in the bunker, the greatest step is number three:

 

Bert:               Obey.

 

Major:           You must obey the commands I’m about to relay, or else your country will not be able to sustain the free world and all the liberty it                           stands for. Are you listening? O-bey. You must only allow the very best into the bunker, as space is limited, and you are the answer to                       the future. That means no dull or stupid, no goofy or glasses, nothing that will dilute the purity that is needed for true democracy.                               There must be a straight proportion of three girls to one boy, in order to repopulate our fine nation. Your teachers must be left behind.                       Except your designated principal, who holds the top secret briefing of your mission. Your teachers might not like this – if so, under                             our newest executive order, you may do everything in your power to remove them, for they are clearly agents of the enemy. Leave                             them behind. The Free World and all its allies must remain of high standards.

 

Bert:               It’s very important that you only let in the very best, or else you will not survive. Oh, I am so excited! I wish there was a bomb right                       now!

 

Major:           Easy there, Bert. This is only an emergency procedure, in the event that the world as we know it is at risk of total annihilation. You                             must remember class that you’re the future of our great nation. If we are to survive in order to re-establish democracy, then you must                       survive. Failure to do so is failure in the duty of your nation. You are the future... In the scenario that your esteemed government and its                       allies are the first to strike, then you will still carry out the aforementioned stages; but you will bunker-down with pride in your hearts                       and radioactivity in your cells. This is for the glory of the human race. Your lesson is terminated.

 

Bert:               Remember: Listen, Hide, Obey. We’re all in this together.

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